Screwdriver

For some reason, I still think about the plumber.

How he asked me to stand in my bathroom and hold the loose faucet,

keep it from slipping and sliding on the fresh plaster he’d 

slapped down.

(Later, your friends tell you a plumber should 

never ask you to help them. Even in this, you 

should have been on your guard. Prepared to

say no, the liability on you.)

As I stand, he lies under me, loosening and tightening

screws, making the pipes jingle and jangle.

Grunts and groans expelled from his mouth

like belches from a small volcano.

(Meant to illustrate how hard he is working, 

not how close he is to eruption.)

And his fingers, stubby and stained as the handle of his screwdriver,

colliding with the insides of my thighs,

battering the fabric of my underwear.

(Not the first time a man’s hand has landed 

there uninvited. Makes you wonder if a skirt’s 

an invitation, in some language you don’t speak, 

and don’t want to.)

The first time, maybe an accident. The second time, I’m

not so sure. By the fourth time, no question left. He

gasps “sorry” between grunts.

(You squirm, of course, but you don’t kick 

him, you don’t abandon the wobbling faucet 

and walk off, you just want him to fix it so  

he’ll leave, so this will once again be

your home.)

At last, he gets up to retrieve another instrument from

his toolbox, another cold metal hand, and I retreat to the kitchen,

pulling my skirt down as far as it will go, dreaming of 

hot water and soap scouring my thighs and thinking 

I must have imagined it, it must have been an accident, 

(…doubting your own thoughts from a moment 

ago…)

this isn’t some strange man on the street, it’s

an employee, a professional, sent by 

the manager.

(Your skin knows it wasn’t an accident. It tingles

the way skin does when it’s pinched and 

released, the blood rushing back like 

something remembered.)

Another grunt, a metal clatter, and I follow the 

sound without thinking, back through my living room to

see his legs emerging from 

the bathroom door, dirty boots splayed to each side

like big dead bugs, all that’s moving is his hand

inside his pants

inside my bathroom

where he lays with his head 

on the tile floor.

(You knew you weren’t imagining it.)

And I don’t yell, I don’t demand to know what 

he’s doing, I just back away 

as he scrambles like one of those bugs

you think is dead till you get too close

and it runs.

(You don’t remember what happened

after that, if he apologized or

even

acknowledged it at all.)

That was it. A screwdriver-hand surveying 

my underwear

and the insides of my thighs,

a man pleasuring himself

in the spot where I stand before the mirror

each night,

wash my face,

scrutinize my flaws. And then, 

it was over.

(You’ve been through worse. The man who

followed you home and pushed you against 

the wall; the one who told you shh with his

hand against your mouth; the boyfriend who pinched your cheek like a slap without sound.)

So why, for some reason, is it the plumber I 

remember?

(“For some reason,” you say, you remember.

Still polite,

skirting

around the truth.)

I know exactly why.

It’s not because of what happened, inside my 

apartment, my safe space.

(Safe as your body should be.)

It’s because I called the apartment manager,

told him (of course, a him) what had happened,   

said I never wanted that man in my apartment again, and—

(You weren’t loud enough.)

—two years later, that man still comes, with his 

screwdriver-handle fingers,

whistles his way around the apartment building

knocks on my door

pets my dog and tells me he has to fix a leak, 

or a drain, or—

(You call back. They say he’s been talked to,

he won’t do it again. He’s the only handyman

for the building, there’s no one else.)        

—and I let him in, because what else can I do,

I can’t afford to move or launch a lawsuit, 

and each time I open the door to him,

the hinges whisper

(…your voice doesn’t matter…)

—and what else can I do, except shut out

that whisper, take my trembling fingers to a keyboard,

write words like darts

(…my voice…)

and aim them true.

---

SC Parent is a graduate of the Master of Professional Writing program at USC. She is also a former professional submissive and switch at a commercial dungeon. SC's poetry has been nominated for a Rhysling Award and Best of the Net.

The Orgasm Archive: an Interview with Artist Christine Sloan Stoddard

Christine Sloan Stoddard is a Salvadoran-American author, artist, filmmaker, theatre-maker, and the founder of Quail Bell Press & Productions. This includes the namesake publication Quail Bell Magazine. Her newest books are Heaven is a Photograph (a poetry and photography collection) and Naomi & The Reckoning (a novelette). Her newest film, "Bottled," is available on Amazon Prime. Her newest play, "Mi Abuela, Queen of Nightmares," is forthcoming in a book by Table Work Press.

First of all, thank you for allowing us to publish your work and letting us interview you! We loved your piece “The Orgasm Archive” but felt like we needed to hear more about your process and reasoning for creating it before we published it. How did you first come up with the idea to do an art project about orgasms, and in particular, about the disparities between female and male pleasure?

A grad school project prompt in my interdisciplinary art program inspired me to consider creative ways of representing power imbalances in heteronormative relationships. I focused on pleasure because I was thinking about how art is often thought of as a source of pleasure or decadence, something that isn’t necessary to survival, but on some level, it is. Art is necessary in life just as much as pleasure, including physical pleasure, is necessary in life. I also focused on pleasure because I wanted to portray something that’s common knowledge about heteronormative power imbalances, even if not everyone agrees it is a bad thing. As a personal challenge for myself, I wanted to find creative ways to illustrate this common knowledge. Just because something is commonly known doesn’t mean it can’t be represented in a new way. In some ways, it’s tougher to do that than illustrate novel knowledge.

“Just because something is commonly known doesn’t mean it can’t be represented in a new way.”

“The Orgasm Archive” includes photography, illustrations, GIFs, typographical experiments, sculptures, and installations. It’s quite a vast project in large part because the class project demanded we pursue something generative. Over the course of nearly two months, we were required to produce a new aspect of the project every week and present it for critique. My process in general involves producing numerous things and then weeding out what I don’t want, or at least don’t want for this edit of a project. There were definitely pieces that didn’t make the final cut for my class project but that I still consider a part of that process and intend to showcase elsewhere.

A faked orgasm is an insanely visual and audio performance that represents something that is not quite true, but a production that is meant to entertain, excite, and deceive. How do you think that plays into your visual representations of orgasm?

I wanted to allude to orgasms without creating literal depictions of intercourse or oral sex because an orgasm isn’t just physical. It’s also psychological and can even be deeply emotional. As you mentioned, if it’s faked, it’s definitely performative. And even if it’s not faked, there’s still an awareness of performance and often pride or shame attached to it: “Am I being too loud?” “Is my orgasm face weird?” “I bet I look really hot.” One of the reasons why I love making art is that you rely so heavily on your imagination, but you’re still tasked with tapping into something real. I enjoy making work that feels completely magical or unreal, but I also enjoy making work that captures reality to the point of magnifying it, almost to the point of hyper-observation and obsession. I leaned into both of these impulses, depending upon what quote I was working with.

Obviously a lot of what we understand about female pleasure is the result of less-than-accurate information, or lack thereof, about female orgasm. Did you learn anything you didn’t know before when you were doing your research for this piece?

I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know about female orgasm. Instead, I was reminded that there can be a lot of thinking, research, writing, and publishing related to a problem without real change being effected. Women still aren’t getting off as much as they want to get off.

How did you find and choose the quotes that you used in The Orgasm Archives?

Because it stemmed from a class project, I relied on my campus libraries. I went to the main library and the science library at The City College of New York and gleaned as much as I could in the time that I had. Admittedly, it wasn’t any more systematic than that. I supplemented with online research at home, but I was really invested in what had been published in physical books, including much older ones. This was in part because I figured I might as well make good use of campus resources while I had them, but also because I was thinking about the physicality of some of the artwork I was creating. Scanning and/or photographing books definitely factored into my process and I did use actual books for one of my installations. I was one of those jerks who literally checked out 40 or 50 books at a time because being a grad student afforded me that privilege. And, yes, those books did end up in one of the campus art galleries.

What do you hope people will get out of The Orgasm Archives? What do you want them to take away about themselves and about their relationship to pleasure?

In reality, I think most people will only see bits and pieces from “The Orgasm Archives”—a photo here, a GIF there. They won’t experience the whole archive at once, but I like keeping the project name attached to individual pieces to cue the audience to the fact that those pieces are part of something larger. Depending upon the piece they see, I hope they will respond to the humor or enchantment and feel camaraderie with other women or compassion for women. If they are someone who doesn’t believe all people should experience pleasure in consenting sexual encounters/relationships, then I want to change their mind. Or at least encourage them to question why they think that way!

How does sexuality and pleasure influence your other work? Your other mediums?

It’s really case by case, but I’m definitely interested in those topics and often explore them in my projects. My first published novelette, Naomi & The Reckoning (Finishing Line Press), deals with sexuality and pleasure more directly than most other recently released pieces. This novelette follows Naomi, a young woman with a physical deformity living in Richmond, VA. Struggling with body acceptance all her life, Naomi also comes from a strict religious upbringing. Purity culture further complicated her relationship with her body and, now recently married, she can’t find sexual satisfaction. You can order the book directly from the publisher here. An audiobook and film for Naomi & The Reckoning are currently in production, with actress Donna Morales serving as the narrator for both.

Talk to us about eroticism in the art world, as well as what it’s like to be a woman in art, doing work about sexuality and sensuality. 

Though I’ve experienced cyberbullying and sexual harassment, I haven’t quite been accused of being a “nymphomaniac” yet and even if I were, I wouldn’t care. I’ve grown immune to comments, DMs, unsolicited emails, etc. Isn’t that sad? Yet that’s my coping mechanism and survival strategy. I receive a lot of unwanted attention from men and occasionally women—strangers and acquaintances alike—but I think that’s just by virtue of being a public female figure or even simply a woman, because it happens regardless of whether recent projects have focused on sexuality and sensuality. Even during my more dormant periods, these people seem to feel entitled to my time and attention, or at least they want my time and attention. But I know my boundaries and I set them. I’m not obligated to give anyone anything. I really only make myself accessible to the public as someone whose work they can view, read, purchase, or study. I’m not your girlfriend or fuck buddy because you saw one of my creations in a magazine and now think I must be hot to trot. There’s a clear division between my work and myself as a person. I cannot be bought. I am not a commodity. If you’ve bought a book or painting from me, great, thank you, I appreciate your patronage, but that doesn’t mean you get me. Unfortunately, enforcing boundaries is often necessary for a female artist’s safety and sanity. I keep most of my private life incredibly private.

To find more of Christine’s work, follow her socials and other projects below:

I am always creating and it can be hard to keep up, but I don’t expect anyone to do that. I can barely do that! I only hope that when they do stumble upon my work, some aspect of it intrigues them and they seek more.

Current Projects:

Heaven is a Photograph

Hello, New York—The Living And Dead

Two Plays: True Believer and Mi Abuela, Queen of Nightmares

Bottled

Virtual Caress

Nessie

Mural commissions

Websites:

You can find out about my other books, as well as my film and video work, like my recent release Moonskating, and my visual artwork, like my murals, at www.worldofchristinestoddard.com. I am available for hire as a writer, visual storyteller, and cultural producer (www.wordsmithchristine.com) and take commissions as a fine artist (www.christinestoddard.com). 

I also run Quail Bell Magazine at www.quailbellmagazine.com and Quail Bell Press & Productions at www.quailbell.com.

Socials:

My Facebook fan page is facebook.com/artistchristinestoddard. I’m on Instagram at @christine_sloan_stoddard and Twitter @csloanstoddard.

Article and interview written, edited and conducted by the whorticulturalist.

Cum and O.J. Simpson

Somewhere in the crowded house party of my twenties

I lost track of what separates pain and pleasure

trauma and temptation

I pictured bruises around my neck more beautiful than any jewel

And dreamed about a morning I would wake up to blood on the mattress

I started to get wet staring at the man putting my groceries away

not because I was fixated on his hands and fingers

but on the plastic bag he held

imagining it wrapped tight around my head

sucked into my mouth

my last breath would be a moan forced out by crumpled lungs

I fantasized about the football star in black leather gloves

Pulling me up by my hair

His foot steadfast on my spine

I can only cum to the thought of his knife against my throat

nobody understands why I drool over men’s belts but not what lays beneath them

why I think love at first sight smells like burnt skin

or why a split lip is better than a lipsticked one

so I sit on the sidelines nursing wounds that only exist in my head

waiting for the day I don’t understand either.

---

Kyoko Caulfield is a nonbinary (they/them) writer currently living in Brooklyn, New York. Their instagram is @honey.lemonade.

For My Valentine

I eat you in the morning.
All cream citrus and soft
You drip down my chin
Gratefully, I lick the spoon.

You are the tall glass
Of water, gulped
Down with fervor, eagerly
I wait to feel you inside me.

I taste you in strawberries
Small kisses, barely tart
Sweet clever playful girl
Forcing my lips to pucker

You are the apple,
the knowledge
That all things are temporary
Your taste and ripeness,

Priceless and fleeting.
I discover you,
The secret ingredient In chocolate, the
Secret that sparks
Orgasm and joy.

---

Cheryl Aguirre is an aspiring poet based in Austin, Texas. They pride themselves on their 7 living houseplants and unpublished poems. They are a recent college graduate and an active member of the Austin LGBTQ+ community. You can follow them at @drowsy_orchid on Instagram and @Wheat_Mistress on Twitter. 

Before We Started Dating I Dreamed of Your Body Like O’Keeffe Paintings

Cherry stem knotted
Pitted expertly
The gushing wet pulp
Slips deeper into her mouth.

I salivate and dream
Of her pink candy heart
Where slick saliva meets
The lips beneath her waist
Maybe they are the same pink.

Her clit a bright berry
To roll and lick and slurp.

---

Cheryl Aguirre is an aspiring poet based in Austin, Texas. They pride themselves on their 7 living houseplants and unpublished poems. They are a recent college graduate and an active member of the Austin LGBTQ+ community. You can follow them at @drowsy_orchid on Instagram and @Wheat_Mistress on Twitter. 

Femme Fatale

I enjoy being this kind

Of Femme Fatale

To "masturbate" over a poem

And not over a man

On my way

I do not leave

Any traces

Of my virginal womb

Behind

They wonder

If I behave

The way I live

My poetry

Much more

"Maiko"

I show them things that

You'd only show to

Enuchs

They want

To learn Hebrew

And taste

My poetry

First

I decided to impose

Their words upon

My symbols

They're always

Gone

When I do so.

---

Tali Cohen Shabtai is a poet. She was born in Jerusalem, Israel. She began writing poetry at the age of six, she had been an excellent student of literature. She began her writings by publishing her impressions in the school’s newspaper. Frst of all she published her poetry in a prestigious literary magazine of Israel ‘Moznayim’ when she was fifteen years old.

Tali has written three poetry books: Purple Diluted in a Black’s Thick, (bilingual 2007), Protest (bilingual 2012) and Nine Years Away From You (2018).

Tali’s poems expresses spiritual and physical exile. She is studying her exile and freedom paradox, her cosmopolitan vision is very obvious in her writings. She lived some years in Oslo Norway and in the U.S.A. She is very prominent as a poet with a special lyric, "she doesn’t give herself easily, but subject to her own rules".

Tali studied at the "David Yellin College of Education" for a bachelor's degree. She is a member of the Hebrew Writers Association and the Israeli Writers Association in the state of Israel.

In 2014, Cohen Shabtai also participated in a Norwegian documentary about poets' lives called "The Last Bohemian"- "Den Siste Bohemien",and screened in the cinema in Scandinavia. By 2020, her fourth book of poetry will be published which will also be published in Norway. Her literary works have been translated into many languages as well.

Life-Drawing Nude Women Pieces with Shannon Elizabeth Gardner

Thank you once again for agreeing to this interview! We are very excited to see your work in our magazine. To begin, how did you get your start as an artist, and what do you think drives you in your present work?

When life started is when I became an artist. I have always been this way; creative, passionate and honest. From an early age I enjoyed drawing and had a curiosity in the macabre, and my interest in horror continues to intrigue and inspire the work I create. Every piece has a motivation to reach the extreme and address the taboo. 

What is your creative process like?

When I create work, my process is to draw several pieces in ink, then paint and color them with the same watercolor palette. By doing this, multiple pieces share the same color scheme and creates a cohesive body of work regardless of subject matter. I enjoy using India Ink to convey a burnt, grunge-like appearance to my work and I often blacken the edges to give the piece a worn, tattered look. I also enjoy working from a dirty palette and reusing dried up wells of color from past works. 

Does the present political/social culture today inform your work, and if so, how?

This situation has presented me with a lot more time to work on new ideas. My technique or amount spent on a piece has not altered much. I have found time to complete pieces like unfinished collages as I find that collage work takes such a long time to arrange that I often abandon them. After abandoning the project I usually realize that the piece is finished and doesn't need any alteration or addition.

What transformative experiences have you had that have shaped your creative output?

I have always been interested in horror and the macabre. The realization that my work is strongest when my focus is regarding morbidity came while studying at the University of Wisconsin Stevens Point. After a few projects in my junior year of college (2014) I developed a distaste for my work, something I never experience. I began working with acrylics and oils, creating portraits and landscapes. I never fell in love with the two mediums and struggled for a bit to create meaningful work. Soon after I dabbled back into something I had always enjoyed, watercolor and ink. Immediately I created a skull that then set the tone for my future work.

Who are your biggest influences?

Tim Burton is my biggest influence.  He is the epitome of German Expressionism in the modern era. I grew up admiring his artwork and enjoying his unique way of storytelling. The illustrative quality of his work inspires my work to be alluring, haunting and grotesque. He creates such strong feelings within so few lines, a true illusion of beauty. 

I also study the art history, the occult, sacred places, cryptozoology, criminology, mythology, fairy-tales and folklore.

A lot of your work is both erotic and haunting. Tell us about the relationship between the two in your work.

All art is arousing at default. I often associate enjoyment of artwork to the Earthly pleasure of lust. I believe there is always a sensual concept when creating nudes and life drawings. I find when drawing the female body there’s a fantasy of falling in love with your creation. Every nude holds an emotional bond with the artist. 

Using black India Ink as the darkest tone allows my work to have a cohesive quality and crisp haunting aesthetic. I usually do not feel a piece is complete without it!  These collections of life drawings are some of my most favored pieces as they represent the beauty in minimalism as well as exploring the admiration of nature and flaws. The use of India Ink and watercolor assists the viewer to observe the Asian aesthetic Wabi Sabi; appreciation of imperfections. 

How has art transformed your relationship with feminism/to yourself as a woman?

My artwork has provided me with a platform to inspire and lead others. I feel comfortable in this field since the arts have always favored quirks and originality. With support of my audience and peers I feel free to embrace my weirdness and liberate freedoms. The arts have encouraged me to never be enslaved to injustice. 

How do you see art, and in particular feminine or erotic art, changing the world?

I do not believe erotic art will change the world since the world has habitually focused about sex. Some beliefs and morals may suppress the urge and iconography of the human body but erotica and the naked human figure will always be the most sought after. 

Do you have any advice for other female artists?

My advice would be to stay confident and passionate about your unique quirks. If you don't know what makes you different, do some soul searching, there must be something that makes you irresistible and distinctive. The unordinary is delicious. Once you master your own ‘muchness’ it will reflect in your work and you'll enjoy everything you create. If you don't, give it a day and you'll probably love it in the mourning. 

Anything else you would like to talk about?

I just returned home from a month-long residency in Lapua, Finland. While there I focused on my work and created over 30 pieces; including drawings, paintings and small sculptures. The deep forests and dark landscape of the Scandinavian Winter further inspired the ethereal mood of exploring the aesthetic within imperfections and the unearthed beauty of ink work and watercolor. I am finding strength in these techniques that imitate the look of nature, implying crisp texture and impression of depth. I believe it is the best way to convey the look and feel of the natural world.

---

Shannon Elizabeth Gardner is a graduate from the University of Wisconsin - Stevens Point with a Bachelors in Studio Art and a Minor in Art History. Shannon's interest in the macabre began while studying nature and the paranormal. The ethereal mood of her work reaches the extreme and addresses the taboo. Through her process she explores natural and organic techniques used to imitate nature and discover Earth's imperfect beauty. Stippling and cross hatching imitate the aesthetic of change through time. Her use of watercolor, line and dot work assists the viewer to observe the Asian aesthetic Wabi Sabi; appreciation of imperfections. 

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Beautiful by L.Cannon

Beautiful 

Making me look beautiful
Is like
Putting lipstick on a pig: 

Rouging up something
Fat and hairy,
While listening to
Its incessant squealing; 

Brushing out its
Coarse coat
Of bristles
And tying ribbons
Around its thick neck. 

And no runt am I,
Plump and portly:
A prize,
At over 200 lbs. 

I am porcine, not porcelain. 

No one wants to
Bring home this bacon,
Sweet and juicy
Though I am, 

All pink snout and
Raw skin,
Heavy with blood. 

You have audacity,
And I, depravity.
But I have teeth like yours. 

I am mud-slick and
Insatiable in
My cannibalistic troughing. 

Come near me and I will eat you alive. 

Sex me up and 

I’ll tramp you to death
With cloven foot—
I know men too
Fond of pigtails. 

Gilt or sow,
They’ll porker,
But criticize me
When I’m hogging. 

I feel it too—
This unnatural desire
To boil and shave myself
For your consumption; 

To bind myself tightly
In my own intestines,
My own skin,
Encased with entrails. 

Fear you my arms?
These fat, sausage links
Lined with dark hair,
Bigger than your own? 

You’d rather that stock
Was lent to my hams,
A roast pig rump,
Or to sow’s udders. 

Judge the space between my legs;
Is it wide enough, or too closed off? 

Oh, I am a show-pig indeed. 

Calculate the circumference
Of my calves, and the
Angle set off by my high heels
To steady these ham hocks. 

I’d put vaseline on my teeth,
Were it not for the fact my
Tusks would show—
Beware I gore you.
I’ll keep my mouth closed. 

Beautified. 

A vile phrase this is, vile phrase.
Waste not your pearls on me,
Some bi-dyke, mannish woman. 

I have been raised unjust
As a daughter.
I have been g/razed to prepare
For my slaughter. 

This is not a pity poem,
It’s a warning.
For men, and for me:
Eye ham more. 

---

L. Cannon is a 20 year old, queer poet from Canton, Georgia. She currently studies literature and linguistics, and has a passion for the classics. In addition to writing, Lane also narrates audiobooks and has illustrated a book of children's poetry. Their work has also been published in Vantage Point.

Twitter: @cannonvoice
Instagram: @cannonvoice

Interview with Artist Lauren Hana Chai

“If I could put these emotions into words I would be able to tell you better about what they would be, but I can’t, therefore I paint. ”

First of all, thank you so much for your time and for agreeing to do this interview! We really really love your work, the strength of it and the sexuality, but more than that, there’s an incredibly emotional sensitivity that really resonates in each piece. Can you tell us about what your intentions are for your work, and what would you like your viewers to take away from it?

Emotionality is always at the core of my work, whether it is titillating, awe-inspiring, disgust, or more often than not, a conflicting emotional soup of it all. As long as the viewer feels strongly one way or another about my work, I feel like I’ve done my job. 

You talk a lot about spirituality and your spiritual experiences. How have they changed your life/outlook and how do they influence the mythological aspects of your work?

As much as I like to talk about spirituality, I don’t necessarily like calling myself a spiritual person as some people’s image of me could be that of an incense burning, green eating, yoga hippie who greets everyone with namaste. Nothing against yoga hippies! But that’s just not me. Spirituality is in my life because I am not put together at all. I am by nature, a ball of chaos. I didn’t take a lot of personal responsibility when I was younger and as I’m approaching 30, it’s about time that I tried to figure that shit out. Being humble, grateful, having respect for living and non-living beings, surrendering myself to faith and love, letting go of attachments, moving forward from my past, bringing in the light to my shadow side. It’s easier to call these ‘spiritual’ practices versus one practice such as christianity, hinduism or shamanism, but really I think bringing structure into one’s life is universal and goes beyond subscribing to a dogma. 

The symbols I paint frequently, such as the Korean peach and sacred fungus, are tied to symbols of longevity in Korean classical folk paintings. Back then, these paintings were limited to high-class wealthy merchants to enjoy. I paint these symbols today for everyone to enjoy, and I truly feel that I am giving my blessings to the person I am painting as I usually paint people who are close to me. More than just an image, it is an energy. 

Do you see any connections between some of your more personal pieces about your own life journey and the larger statements your work has made about sexuality and politics?

Absolutely, it is all connected. Having been raised by my traditional Korean grandparents in the United States, (a polar-opposite culture), I spent a lot of time questioning my identity, heritage, and history, and painting has been my therapy throughout it all. Sexuality was shamed growing up and so as I was exploring it in my personal life, as an art student it exploded in my work as well. I wasn’t ashamed anymore, I was free. Especially because I was living in San Francisco at that time, which is kink central, I felt at home with my fellow freaks. Later my work developed from painting things such as a close-up of my friend’s spread wet pussy to more layered concepts which still involved sexuality one way or another. For example ‘American Pie’ is a depiction of the racial makeup of the U.S. which involves everyone either fucking or fighting. Each person in this painting is rendered out to show their individuality. This piece accompanies another painting ‘Korean Pie’ (unfinished) which in contrast highlights South Korea’s unity and nationalism. As a Korean American, I live in this grey area and see the pros and cons of my different cultures and beliefs. 

What do you see as the largest struggles of your work as an artist?

Keeping a lid on my ADD and wanting to constantly transition in my artwork. Speaking completely in terms of the art business world, constantly changing your work is not good. I used to have a lot of struggles with some galleries as a student and right after graduating. Now I’ve learned to keep that lid loose and I have found a way to work in a series of works, spread concepts out and transition slowly. 

What do you believe is the role of an artist in society, especially one who works in the margins and is a member of the LGBTQ community?

Painting your personal truth, no matter what it is. I honestly don’t really think about what my role is as an LGBTQ artist in this society but rather just focus on developing and constantly bettering myself as a person and an artist. It’s only when I hear from other people, usually Asian American women or LGBTQ people who take the time to tell me how much they relate to me through my work, that I think “Oh hey, I did something here”. For someone to never have met me, look at my painting and tell me that they get it, that that’s their life too, it’s really an amazing feeling. 

“My innocent intentions became a catalyst for people to project their own perceptions of sexuality. ”

How has your art influenced your perception of sex, and vice versa?

As I mentioned earlier, a sexual explosion happened in my life and thus in my art and during that time I painted these subjects purely out of freedom of expression, embracing myself and not caring what anyone thought. After a while I questioned a lot of what kind of message I am putting out there painting such explicit paintings as a woman. Many people thought that my paintings were done by a man and were always surprised to see that I was a woman. I’ve butted heads with some of the more conservative feminists who claimed I was objectifying women. My innocent intentions became a catalyst for people to project their own perceptions of sexuality. For a while I was in fuck it mode but then I even doubted myself thinking that people will only like my art because the paintings are sexual and I was known as that erotic painter. I switched gears and was simultaneously exploring my identity a lot at that time as I was finally dealing with abandonment issues from my mom going missing when I was 11. I painted my Last Known Locations series which were 6 paintings of 6 cities of my mom’s actual last known locations..and I think it should go without saying that they weren’t sexy at ALL. After this dark turn, light entered my life and I started painting about my Korean culture and history in bright explosive colors. However, I found that I couldn’t get away from the eroticsm. Sexuality creeped back into these paintings as well but now in the form of painting about the Korean comfort women who were sexual slaves getting raped, or even painting about my own sexual abuse. Or in more subtle ways with a sexy exposed muscular back of a strong Japanese woman with the words “Otoko Masari” (basically meaning tomboy in Japanese) written above her. Or my paintings now of sexually suggestive poses of women eating these sacred fungus. There are many sides to my sexuality. I’ve embraced eroticism in a different way now and I don’t regret anything.

You talk a lot about how your work is about emotion… what emotions do you think your art conveys, both to you and to viewers?

It’s a spectrum of emotions, really. Some paintings convey empowerment, some defeat. Sometimes excitement or anxiety. Usually there’s some kind of struggle going in such as in my recent series “The Little Death” where there is a play between sex and death, the desire to live forever but also the inevitable return of our bodies to nature. If I could put these emotions into words I would be able to tell you better about what they would be, but I can’t, therefore I paint. 

You’ve mentioned your experiences with DMT as well. How much have those experiences informed your art, and how?

My trip reminded me that love can solve everything. It’s a grandiose statement and ultimately not true, but also kind of true. Love is not just a significant other, it's a belief in morals, ethics, respect for your fellow human. It’s building a life and striving towards living a life of love that helps move this world forward. Love creates. I wanted to portray that message onto canvas and so I started a triptych called Souls In Motion which is not the exact depiction of what I saw and experienced, but more of a positive message inspired by my trip. In short, it is a Korean mythological folk version of Hieronymus Bosch’s “Garden of Earthly Delights” which rather than painting about hell, depicts how we can heal from fear.

What are the biggest sacrifices that you’ve made for your art?

Without a doubt money and financial stability. I’m not so much of a starving artist now but I’m definitely still broke. I can’t go on fancy trips or buy a lot of new clothing but I’m very good at window shopping! It’s money in, money out. Any art sales go straight back into buying supplies or paying bills etc. I’ve had to adapt to a minimal lifestyle and it might sound bad but I honestly enjoy it, less things equals less clutter and less stress in my life. Whatever it takes to be able to paint what I want everyday and I’m a happy woman.

“Remember that you are not separate from your art, art is an extension of you.”

What is something you’d like other women who enjoy/do art to know?

If you’re pursuing art as a career, the smart thing to do is get a part time job. Have some stable income coming in to supplement your art. Remember that you are not separate from your art, art is an extension of you. Also writing things down helps, keep a notebook to organize your reflections and thoughts on your art. Ultimately do what makes you happy!

PS. Please feel free to talk about anything you’d like to, along with this, or if you want to drop anything about future projects!

I have a mini solo show coming up in LA at Thinkspace Gallery on June 27th called “The Little Death”. Other than that you can stay up to date on all my art on Instagram as I post there pretty frequently. 

Follow Lauren Hana Chai on Instagram here, and find her incredible work for purchase at her website here.

Euphoria

in her skin, I found solace

in her scent, I found paradise

in her lips, I found life

something changed, 

as we began to consume each other

as we got lost to the rhythmic dance of our tongues

for this euphoric high, we didn’t need to set our lungs afire

to be intertwined, breast to breast

my leg over the majestic lump of her butt 

my hand resting on the small of her back

her hand clinging to my waist

and the perpetual wetness between her legs,

was euphoria on its own

---

NHYLAR is a 24 year QPOC who currently resides in Toronto. She uses poetry as a creative outlet for her existential rage. She writes about queer representation, living away from home, intimacy, existentialism and anything that intrigues her. 

Erotic and Sensual Artists I Am Loving Right Now

If sheltering-in-place has made you realize that your walls/tables are looking a little blah, now is a great time to give your home a little bit of a spruce up with some delicious art that will perk up your spirit and your blood pressure to your special lady friend below the belt. Especially when everyone is reeling as a result of the coronavirus, having some bright inspiration in your life is the mood boost we all need, and you can give yourself a pat on the back for supporting some wonderful artists.

1. Pansy Ass Ceramics

   I love Pansy Ass. With a bubbly-pop aesthetic, their ceramics are simultaneously lush, with baroque gold detailing and floral motifs that Marie Antoinette would’ve swooned over. I am in love with their mugs and their vases, but they sell everything from key chains and christmas tree decorations to enormous serving platters of men rimming each other, perfect for your first post-COVID brunch.

2. SIND Studio

I absolutely love these simple and yet elegant multi-use basins from Sind Studio, based in Tel Aviv. Taken from Michealangelo’s David, these planters are sure to be not only incredibly useful for storing your fruit, planting some succulents, or tossing your keys into, but make a huge visual statement that is both classical and erotic.

3. Petites Luxures

Petite Luxures is currently on exhibit in San Francisco and while the gallery is closed due to the shelter-in-place, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I spent a lot of time hanging out in front of the windows salivating. I love the clean style and implied tenderness of each illustration, truly a work of effortless and modern eroticism.

4. Noemiah

This darling creator from Montreal is kicking ass in the world of ceramics and textiles. I absolutely love her clean and bright aesthetic, and her tiny bud vases are sure to bring you a smile every time you see it.

5. Verameat

I first ran into Verameat at a little store in Williamsburg and her work was so captivating that I had to jaywalk to see it…. almost getting hit by a cab in the process. If it had happened, it would’ve been worth it. Her jewelry and clothing is sarcastic and powerful, and bonus points if you follow her instagram for lots of photos of her grouchy cat.

6. Julia Ballenger

I had the pleasure of meeting Julia at the West Coast Craft fair in San Francisco last year, and her ceramics are only outshone by her incredibly friendly and warm personality. I especially love her salt wells, which look like little women taking baths. The salt crystals are such good facsimiles for bubbles that it makes me smile every time I cook.