“But that could just be a societally enforced antiquated view of gender, identity, and expression.” I hurriedly tacked onto the end of a statement regarding me possibly wanting to bind my chest to present more gender neutrally. I recently started using they/them pronouns, and even more recently I contemplated suicide, again. 

I’d never really thought about my gender or how I expressed it, I just wanted to exist as me and not disrupt the world as much as possible. I wanted to exist quietly, which I later realized wasn’t really possible for me. I went through multiple rebellious phases in my younger teenage years: listening to loud, dark music performed by eyeliner-clad social outcasts; silently flipping off my mother from the safety of my bedroom with shaking hands and red cheeks from tears or otherwise, shyly kissing the blushing cheek of the older neighbor girl which led to my ears getting hot, and painting the walls of my beige room with reckless abandon, smearing streaks of paint into the rented carpet; just to name a few. I’d like to think this is my next rebellious phase, but on a slightly larger scale. 

Whenever someone describes me as or refers to me as “she” or “her” I have to remind myself that the only reason any of us are really here is to live as fully as possible being our authentic selves, and by knowing who I am in some capacity makes me that much closer to being myself. I just wish the rest of the world would get the memo. I am not using these pronouns to hopefully get a diagonal line in some twisted and overly competitive game of oppression bingo—- just to be clear. Although that was something I had tried to convince myself I was subconsciously doing because of my desperate need for uniqueness and undeniable main character complex. But I’d realized this was incorrect when a boy used my desired pronouns to refer to me as his partner, and when I tell you the only possible physical manifestation of my utter euphoria At that moment could be described as a shit-eating grin. The boy and our time together wasn’t permanent, but that moment has been etched into my mind. So presenting as I do, a punky androgynous person with boobs, is my lifelong act of rebellion or of authenticity, or just being as much of myself as I can be.

Saya Iki is a student from San Diego, California. They are passionate about reading, writing, activism, and live music. They were selected to attend the Fir Acres Writing Workshop at Lewis and Clark College, where they worked with a team of mentors and peers to craft a portfolio showcasing work that represented them. Next year, they will be attending Lewis and Clark College, and will be majoring in English.