Growing up in a traditional Christian household, I was taught to be God-fearing, wholesome, chaste, well-mannered, and poised. These characteristics were the determining factors as to how successful of a Christian woman you were.  As I grew older and entered puberty, protecting my chastity became the main topic of concern. My virginity was to be saved for my husband.

During my formative years, I was a devoted “church-goer”. I participated in the choir, youth fellowship, bible study, and attended Sunday School. I’d do bible exams and pass with flying colors. On the outside, it would appear as if I was firmly rooted in my Christian foundation.  But behind closed doors, I was a rebellious teenager, struggling with sexual feelings and my changing body.

13, horny and confused.

Being taught that sexual feelings and actions before marriage were a sin, I found myself in a constant battle. If I was to wait until marriage, why did I feel this way? Was something wrong with me? No one told me that what I felt was NATURAL, just that it was WRONG. I found myself in a cycle of masturbation and guilt – Masturbating to feel better, but having the euphoria quickly dissipate because of the guilt. 

Going through the days plagued by shame changed the perception I had of myself. I was disgusted. I’d attend church and was afraid to speak with persons because I felt like they knew I was sinning. I needed to find a solution; not only did I have this internal struggle, but my relationship with God also began to weaken. Having to continually ask for forgiveness made me feel pathetic, so I opted to just avoid having interactions with him. 

I remember sitting in class one day when my teacher began to have a talk with us about puberty and sex. She touched on the topic of masturbation and assured us it was natural to partake in some self-love. Extremely perplexed; after class, I pulled her to the side to ask her if masturbating wasn’t a sin. She explained that the act of self-pleasure wasn’t bad, but what made masturbation wrong was the lust that accompanied it. I recall feeling an extreme sense of relief. I had no sexual desire for anyone, I just wanted to get off.

The respite I received helped me find peace. Because I now felt comfortable in repairing my bond with God.

15, horny and attracted to boys

That relief I gained lasted for two years. I salvaged my relationship with the Big Guy and I felt as if I was in a better position mentally to balance my urges. However, as time went on and my body continued to develop, my attraction to the opposite sex began to grow, and I was back to square one. 

Masturbation without porn and sexual desire became extremely difficult. Guys began to show me attention, and I was on overdrive. Consequently, I found myself watching porn and imagining my crushes and me in the scenes. The appetite I had for getting off expanded. I could not control my need for relief, which led to the return of the masturbation/guilt cycle. I entered a rabbit hole of self-deprecation and once again began to deviate from my faith.   

I struggled to choose between sexual urges & my Christian values. I felt I had no choice but to put my sins on a metaphoric scale. I weighed them similarly to how crimes were valuated. My solution was to justify my lust and masturbation as low on the totem pole. I wasn’t stealing, I wasn’t killing, most importantly, my virginity was protected.

But, then something happened.

The virginity I worked so hard to protect and chastity I struggled to uphold was taken from me

For a long time, I felt that what had happened to me was somehow my fault and that God was punishing me because I spent all those years succumbing to my sexual deviance. I held my head in shame, feeling that I brought this upon myself.

 “Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually” 1 Corinthians 16:11- The bible scripture mandated to me after my traumatic experience. I was taught that times of hardships and tribulations were the most important times to draw closer to the Big Guy. I was a mess mentally, not only was I grappling with the thought that I brought this on to myself, but I could not and would not be around the opposite sex. The way I felt before the trauma was all gone. The last thing on my mind was getting off. 

Guilt-ridden, I emerged myself in the things I was taught to be right. I was traumatized, it was all my fault and this was the only way to prevent something bad from happening again. 

18, working on things but horny again? 

Time had passed, and I went through a plethora of emotions, phases, and moods. Fully emerging myself into Christian values had brought nothing but pain and sorrow. I had this increased level of detest for religion. If I was doing everything right, if I had asked for forgiveness and repented, why were bad things continuously happening to me? 

No one could provide an answer, all I heard was “stay true, stay steadfast and love God, things will work out” Nah, this wasn’t working. I started questioning if staying faithful and just was the right thing for me. I was miserable, unhappy, and most of all I had denied myself sexual relief. 

I entered a new chapter of my life – COLLEGE. I was moving on to the campus and out of my parents' grasp. I would no longer be forced to attend church and the values I lived by became a choice of my own. 

The guys were looking good, I was looking good and with my virginity already taken away, I was no longer fearful of the repercussions. What was worse than rape? If all I did was masturbate and my punishment was so brutal, how bad could it get if I actually took my power back and have sex voluntarily? 

These questions led me down a dark path. I was no longer bending over and denying my happiness in the name of religion. I was no longer going to live my life to die. I saw moving onto campus as a way I could regain my power, to regain the thing I lost…The right to choose. I was no longer concerned with sinning and the fall out of it.

Fast forward to today. 

Things haven’t magically gotten perfect.  I’m still trying to figure it out. One thing I learned was that my happiness had to come first for me to live a fulfilled life. I could not be concerned with keeping up a battle that was draining my energy. I had to find a middle ground that didn’t cause me continuous pain. Lust and fornicating aren't the only sins, so I chose to uphold the others. 

So here I am 

25, still horny, not married, sexually active, but I have a relationship with God.

Ashleigh Harris is a recent graduate of the University of the West Indies with a degree in Political Science. She suffers from Epilepsy and as such she has become an advocate for the cause. She is extremely passionate about workplace equity for all and spends her free time relating to her peers on issues of sexism, racism and ageism. She currently works as a digital marketer and uses her platform to create content that spreads awareness of various issues. You can check out more from her at Instagram @ashlerenaee.