Curiosity Killed My Cat
They say ignorance is bliss but once I get a hint, not knowing eats me alive.
Recently, I moved in with my boyfriend. We were humping like rabbits, spending time together while enjoying the process of making the apartment our own. You’d say everything was great, right? Yea I thought so too. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Everything was erased when I found out he had no respect for our relationship.
When we met, I was so happy that I finally found someone who not only matched my sexual energy but wanted the same things out of life as I did. At the beginning, we vowed to keep the lines of communication open between us. We would sit and talk for hours about the things we saw break our parents’ marriages and discuss the tactics we would implement to prevent similar issues.
I thought he was the one. I felt safe, loved and respected. I wanted to cater to him. I wanted to please him.
One day, I had this brilliant idea to do a video strip tease on his IPad for him to “stumble” upon while I was at work. But, boy oh boy when I opened his gallery, I was shocked by what I found. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to rationalize the situation.
It was from his past. It wasn’t recent.
Pacing around the apartment, I struggled to figure out what I was feeling, a wave of emotions began running through my body. Curiosity first stepped forward. I had to know if the receipt of nudes was synonymous with the timing of our relationship… or worse, since we had moved in together.
Oh, fuck, it was worse. He was still receiving nudes from other women.
My curiosity continued to peak, I now needed to know what messages were exchanged. It just kept getting worse, the messages were endless and the content was disrespectful. Imagine your partner informing women that he had a girlfriend but was still open to receiving nudes. Imagine your partner disclosing the intimate details of your sex life with another woman for the purposes of sexual gratification. I was furious.
How could he?
Furiously stepping around the apartment, I impatiently waited for him to wake up. I was so devastated and hurt but most of all ANGRY. I had to confront him about this, I couldn’t allow this to be okay… After hours spent arguing, talking and crying - I decided to forgive him and cough the situation up to growing pains. After all, now he knew how his actions made me feel.
After that conversation, I thought we’d be okay. However, I was not prepared for the fact that the emotional wave was not finished with me.
Insecurity has entered the chat
I had always believed in myself when it came to my relationship. I thought I was sexy enough, smart enough, quite frankly I thought I was the best thing to happen to him. But being exposed to the content my partner consumed during his conversations with other women led me to question and doubt myself. I once felt special, now I just felt like a sucker. Recalling, the day he told me that seeing other women online gives him the energy to lay it all on me made intimacy difficult. I was put in a position, where I had to blindly trust that he had stopped interacting with the women and that I was truly enough for him.
I could not.
Ashleigh Harris is a recent graduate of the University of the West Indies with a degree in Political Science. She suffers from Epilepsy and as such she has become an advocate for the cause. She is extremely passionate about workplace equity for all and spends her free time relating to her peers on issues of sexism, racism and ageism. She currently works as a digital marketer and uses her platform to create content that spreads awareness of various issues. You can check out more from her at Instagram @ashlerenaee.
