Why Does a Bad Day for a Man Lead to Deadly Days for Women?

I’m still reeling from what happened in Georgia. Like most millennials, I first got inklings of the news from Twitter, and then from an email or two from friends who were asking if I was okay. I was not okay. Nor were the women who were brutally murdered with no better reason than a man saying he was having a bad day.

The trauma was repeated today, as I saw people posting on Instagram that this wasn’t a hate crime perpetuating white supremacy, but a crime of passion against sex workers because the perpetrator has a sex addiction. As if that made it any better, as if that would make any woman feel safer or less in danger. We all have bad days. Does that mean that men are just one bad day away from murdering innocent women? And should we feel relieved every time they say they’ve had a bad day, but they’ve somehow found the strength to keep themselves from committing violence, from using women as an outlet?

Patriarchy is a system of oppression and violence that puts white, cis-gendered men at the top of a mountain, and keeps them there through misogyny, cruelty, subjugation and censorship. It harms women (women of color in particular) trans and queer folk, gay men, and anyone else who doesn’t fit the harmful stereotype of a ‘strong man.’ It also harms men by forcing them to conform to the idea that having emotions is a sign of weakness, and that being vulnerable is a terrible thing. It’s taught men to burrow their feelings and leaves them incapable of processing pain, trauma, frustration, love, attraction, and more. But that doesn’t mean they don’t cease to exist, it just means they get bottled up and then projected onto other things or people in the form of violence, aggression, sexual assault, jealousy, verbal abuse, physical rage, and more. Patriarchy means that men don’t process their emotions, it just makes women suffer them.

Growing up in America with a mom from Singapore was a special and tough experience. I internalized so many xenophobic notions; and would aggressively reject any sort of attempt by my mom to share her culture with me. I would ask her to make me American food to bring to lunch, and I would get angry and embarrassed with her when people confused her as my nanny, and not my mom. I would ask her to stay in the car, or I wouldn’t invite friends over. I refused to speak Chinese with her, and threw tantrums when Sunday came around, and she wanted me to go to Chinese language school. I rejected all notions that I was mixed, and mourned my slim, hooded eyes, my dark hair, the nose and mouth that would sometimes give me away. As an adult I’ve had to slowly and painfully undo all the internalized fear I had about being half-asian, while also learning more about the ways my mom had navigated a world that was not always kind to her. She’s been scammed because people exploited the fact that English was her second language, sexualized by people who told her they had yellow fever, questioned when she was angry by people who thought ‘Asian women are supposed to be more demure.’ For a year now, she’s had to endure being spit at, mocked, screamed at, and more by people who blamed her for Covid. I’ve heard her apologize to people for her race, for existing. Last summer when the BLM protests were at their highest, she would march proudly with little care packets of water and hand sanitizer to give away. When I asked her why she was marching, a woman who generally isn’t interested in social or political movements, she said “I know what it’s like to be hated for what you look like.”

My mom and I have been mourning for the 8 victims who were murdered while also trying to hold space for the questions that haven’t been answered, such as how was he able to murder more people over an hour after the first attack? How was he captured without harm, with a gun in his possession, when there have been so many POC who’ve been murdered during traffic stops? Why is it acceptable, and understandable to so many that he killed so many to ‘remove the temptation of sex’ from his life?

I am tired of people giving me excuses for the terrible behavior of men; of putting the blame of their actions onto the tired, hunched shoulders of women. Especially women who have done so much work in establishing themselves in places where they have been made to feel unwelcome. Women who have healed through sex work, through building intimacy and sharing healing touches with men who turn around and repay it with violence. I am tired of men having bad days, and instead of doing the work to heal, process trauma, or learn to engage with their emotions, they hurt and kill women. I am tired of the cultural narrative that being vulnerable, of connecting to your sexuality in safe and consensual spaces is a bad thing, and that somehow it’s more manly to take advantage of women, to extract sex from them instead of building the type of relationship in which it can be freely, and willingly, given. I am tired of men because a single bad day led to eight deaths, while for many of us women, almost every day is bad because of the daily interactions we have with men who grope us, catcall us, follow us home, minimize us at work, talk over us, ignore us, gaslight us, and more. I am tired, and I am sad. I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to find the words to express myself in terms slightly more eloquent than these simple words, but I cannot. I do not have the energy, and I know that my mother, the members of the asian community, and women who’ve experienced violence, hate, or both combined, do not have the energy. We are just trying to make it by, because our bad days are so much worse.

Resources in light of this horrific tragedy:

Stop AAPI Hate

Stop AAPI Hate is responsible for researching and responding to racism and xenophobia. They are tracking the surge in violence and sharing information with the wider world.

Red Canary Song

Red Canary Song is a transnational grassroots collective of Asian and migrant sex workers. They are working against police raids and deportations and believe in mutual aid and labor rights regardless of immigration status.

Gofundme's #StopAsianHate Campaign

Gofundme has created a unified fundraiser that supports multiple organizations leading in the AAPI community, including Mekong NYC, Asian Health Services , Oakland Chinatown Ambassadors Program, AAPI Women Lead, and Khmer Girls in Action. You can also support individual victims of violence through Gofundme, such as Noel Quintana, Yong Zheng, and more.